3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
