I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
