the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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