I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
