I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
