i wish there were pregnant emoticons
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
she peed on how many people?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
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So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Watching her eat just hurts me
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
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Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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