I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
