To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
