my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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