if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
