So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I can feel your judgement through the phone
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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