Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
