I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
