So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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