Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
