I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
