the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
