Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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