The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
