at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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