I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
operation have a gay friend backfired
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
