At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
