Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
