who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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