We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
