Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
