You're my little dorito
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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