she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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