Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You ruined the universe
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
