I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
