For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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