I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
