I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
