He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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