Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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