I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
be right there i have to get my cape
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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