I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
