Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
