I'm pants shitting drunk right now
no, he came in my armpit
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
