I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
the condom got lost in my hair
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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