I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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