Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
