So drunk its hurt
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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