dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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