At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I touched a dick in church today
Randomize
