I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
