Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
