It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
