He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
