The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
