Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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