Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
