Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
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