my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
