remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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